Happy Vishu!

Loka-samastha-sukhino-bhavanthu!
Wishing all a truly fulfilling year ahead! J

What I didn’t do this afternoon!

I was holding it. Trust me; it is not so easy, not a joke. I felt powerless, found it tough to focus, was unable to sit and in some time I went mad. Yet, I was not ready to give up!

Well, the minor disaster was the earth quake that hit many parts of India this afternoon. But, what was the disaster, on top of the disaster?

Well… that was me wanting to potty! Grrr… these uninvited guests; I tell you… they are such pricks!

God… I didn't want to die such awkwardly and give a chance to my naughty friends to celebrate it on facebook and twitter! “Oh; she died while potty-ing!” 

Good Night friends... 

Going to bed hoping to read only delightful stuff in the newspaper tomorrow. 

  

Just 28 Rupees!

Do you spend more than 28 rupees a day? Really?

Wow... Congratulations!!! You should be proud to be in the elite category of people in India who can afford an easy living! 

Our Sarkar says all you need is just 28 rupees a day - to be content, to not be unhappy, to lead a family, to hang out with friends and to 'hold your head high'! Sarkar cannot be wrong; oh... when has he ever gone wrong in this country?

Watch Agent Vinod in your neighborhood thatched theater sitting in the first row. You have no choice but to hold your head high. Else, how do you see the screen? There are additional rewards too - you can watch more of Kareena Kapoor's zero sized legs and less of her makeup-ed face! And your are a happy man, indeed! See, I told you; our Sarkar cannot go wrong!

Travel in the general compartment of Indian railways. To avoid the stink of your neighbor's sweat, you have to hold your head high! In the 10 centimeters space you have to rest your legs, you try to balance yourself holding your head even higher, calling out God aloud, "Areee Bhagwan... are you not watching me?!" At the same time, you might also think of the Railway God in Bengal. You become a more spiritual person!

You get back home; you have nothing else to do except count stars in the beautiful night sky... obviously holding your head high!!!

Long live our Sarkar! 

Where have I been?

Well… my world is around my small wonder, my bundle of joy!! 

Healing Madam!

The work place sucks, the country sucks, the world sucks! There isn’t a thing around me which is less than being wretched! Sadly I realize that our planet is ruled by a bunch of useless morons. There is no escape from those boring routine faces; bumping into them only makes life all the more depressing. How can a poor feeble little creature like me repair the sad state of such affairs, I keep wondering!

“Ting Tong… Ting Tong!” My mobile phone beeped, indicating that I have received a message.

“Depressed in life? Finding it difficult to laugh out loud? Then, come to us… we have the right remedy for you. We will heal all your mental and physical tensions and help you rejuvenate! For related help, call us on 8800 0011 1100. Regards, Lakshmi Chengappa, 
A-HOPE”, read the message.

“Oh wow!! A customized message from God? He has finally decided to help me!”, I felt. Not giving it a second thought, I dialed the number.     

“Hello… This is Shalini Surendran here; I just received a sms which said you can cure my mental tensions. I just wanted to discuss the same with you and take this forward”, I said hopefully.

“Welcome Mam… to Aavarapan Healing Opulence Private Enterprise, A-HOPE. Let me please connect you to our healer, Agent Lavanya. Mean while, please enter your personal details following our customer assistant.”

“Agent Lavanya? Have I reached a detective agency?” I had my doubts!

“Welcome Ms. Shalini to A-HOPE. This is agent Lavanya. So, shall I begin the first session with you?”, said the sweet voice on the other end.

“Oh sure… please go ahead. I am all ears!”, I said enthusiastically.

“To begin with, let me give you an overview of A-HOPE. We are the only organization in the world that identifies one's inner potentials and strengths. Our founder, Poojya Shri Lakshmi Chengappa-ji was born with the ability to see lives of people, see their energy patterns and can find out which part of the body is diseased. She can also ascertain whether or not one is connected spiritually with oneself.”

I thought, “What the hell is getting connected to oneself? Is that something like tying oneself to a pole and dancing in bliss?!!”

I couldn’t make any sense of what she went on and on about Madam Poojya Lakshmi-ji. Hence I interrupted, “So, when can I submit my problems to Lakshmi mam? Please share her email id.”

Agent got pissed off. She said, “There is no need to do that. Lakshmi mam’s extra sensory perception skills will by itself find out your problems and automatically heal you.”

“Magic?” I thought of the movies Mr. India, Harry Potter and Lord of the Rings, while the agent continued blah-blah-ing. It was more like attending an absolutely boring physics lecture after years. After 20 minutes of one sided non sense, the only few words I could recollect were aura, mind-body-soul, spiritual destination, healing, inner & outer selves ...which were of course meaningless to me!

Finally she concluded, “There is no past, present and future. All collapse into a single experience!”

Before I could ask “What the bloody hell is that supposed to be?”, agent said, “We shall share the details of the next session with you via email. Thank you. Have a great day!”

I received the email in the next 30 seconds. 

Dear Ms. Shalini,

We hope that Session-1 has enlightened your spirits. Now, we enter Session-2. All you have to do is let us know a convenient time, during which you are supposed to go to sleep. We will connect with you while you are asleep, your problems will be then captured impeccably. You will be surprised to wake up into a new world, a fun filled and joyful world.

Thank You,
Lakshmi Chengappa.

I went to sleep at the scheduled time, woke up to see their second email which said,

Dear Ms. Shalini,

Welcome to the new world of possibilities. All your problems are erased off your mind; you are a new human being from today.

Please find attached the invoice. Account details are also given.

Thank You,
Lakshmi Chengappa.

Totally clueless, I tried to recollect the flow of events during my sleep. But in vain… all I could remember was my dream of eating prawns biriyani at our house in Trivandrum and playing cricket with my small and big cousins!

I opened the attachment. For the first Latin/Greek gyan over phone and the magical sleep therapy, they have sent a bill of just Rs 8500!!!

Lesson learnt – When I felt low, all I had to do was watch Mohanlal & Jagathy in Yodha or Inspector Clouseau in Pink Panther …rather than letting some cunning Chengappa indulge in day light robbery!

(As narrated by Big-B… from the dairy of his adventures!!)

Empathising with ourselves!

Forget us, poor Bangaloreans... not even Super Man can speed on this road!

Picture clicked on Outer Ring Road in Bangalore, which houses lakhs of IT professionals.

Trend Setters

Two of my non-malayalee friends in Guruvayur – not knowing it is strictly a “no-trousers” zone!

But you never know… in this ultra-fashion age, there could be folks following their style – dothi, backpack and sneakers!

God gave it back!

An email conversation I had with one of my colleagues in our neighborhood.

Subject: Awkward Question

Hi Shalini,

I know this is very embarrassing. But I cannot help L For the past one hour I have been composing this email; I’m still hunting for words. I really don’t know how you will take this. However, for professional reasons, I am forced to ask you this. Please try to understand my situation... Hope you will not take this as a work place harassment!

So, here is my question: Which type are you - boy or girl? I am so unfamiliar with Indian names, that I cannot even make a wild guess.

Thanks & Regards,

Yuan Chow

Seeing the subject line, I was both curious and nervous to open the email. But reading it which ends with the sender's name, I was first reminded of menu card in a Chinese restaurant!! I, who think too high of my name, couldn’t believe that in spite of exchanging so many emails with her for more than a year, she couldn't yet make out my 'type'! :P Anyways, I decided to reveal my gender indirectly. Here is what I wrote back.

Subject: RE: Awkward Question

Hello Yuan Chow,

I belong to the category of Aishwarya Rai J

Cheers,

Shalini

After clicking the send button, I felt she would have thought I am boasting of my looks, comparing myself to Ashu! I seriously regretted trying to be funny!

Subject: RE: Awkward Question

Sorry to ask again Shalini, I didn’t get you when you said A.Rai category! You mean... errr!!! Please make it clear!

That definitely is insulting the women in India… not knowing ‘what’ Aishwarya Rai is! Also, letting thoughts go wild! What would she have meant when she said "errr..."? So this time, I decided to keep it simple and "straight"! 

Subject: RE: Awkward Question

Yuan Chow,

I am a girl and so is Aishwarya Rai. If you are wondering who she is, she is just another girl like me; by mistake I mentioned her in my previous mail.

Have a wonderful day. Bye…

Thanks,

Shalini

I have written many sarcastic blog posts, making fun of my friends and others having witty names! Never had I thought, I will get it back from somebody across the border, who doesn’t even know me! :P :P

Rendezvous!

I spoke to two of my childhood buddies last week, after really a long time! Felt so good! We didn’t discuss appraisals or the project we are into or the latest stocks we bought; but we pulled each others’ legs reminding of the most stupid things we did in school and laughed so much at our madness! We talked about our sexy computer mam who one fine day stopped coming to school & the chemistry teacher who never smiles! And we laughed again!


Last evening, I was at a shopping mall, where I met this lady who was looking drop-dead gorgeous! She caught everybody’s attention in her lovely red saree draped tightly around her slender waist; her hair was loosely tied and the careless strands falling on her eyes only made her look cuter; colored glass bangles chimed on her arms and her saree blouse naughtily revealed the Chinese Dragon tattoo on her back! I snapped at my colleague when I caught him red handed ogling her! He said, “Ooo… A thing of beauty is a joy forever, indeed! At times God is so partial and unfair! Loveliness and splendor are concentrated at just one place!” he said tossing down the drooping saliva into his mouth!

Looking at ourselves, we couldn’t help cribbing about how unglamorous and wretched we were! To get over the dejection, we decided to get caffeinated! As we were gazing at the crowd sipping our coffee, the lady in red walked to us and said, “Hari Om*!”

My colleague not knowing how to react, said “Sorry, we are not aware!” and he looked at me.
I said, “Well… Hari Om! Chinmayan**?”

Lady, “Very much! I taught you guys for a few months; but not sure if you can remember me!” 

Oh My God! Deepika mam, about whom we spoke volumes just a couple of days ago!!! I couldn’t believe my eyes! For a second, I remembered how the boys in our class used to associate their ‘wet dreams’ with Deepika mam and her almost backless blouse.

So sweet of her to recognize me after these many years and even come to me and say a hello! I am really really touched. But, I failed miserably to repay the compassion!

In spite of having tons of questions in my kitty to make the reunion treasured, this is what escaped out of my mouth, “But, you never had the tattoo there before!”

Embarrassed Deepika Mam, “Oh… I got that done later! Hmmm… okay then, nice meeting you; bye!”


This post is dedicated to my male friends at school. Sorry guys! I couldn’t gather any information about your heart throb, once-up-on-a-time!


**Chinmaya Vidyalaya is the school where I studied; affectionately we address anybody associated with the institution as ‘Chinmayan’!

*’Chinmaya way’ of saying ‘hello’!

Answer the ‘thatha’!

I was rushing to the cafeteria this afternoon, while this guy stopped me, probably to update his personal data base.

About this guy: He is the one whom I have been noticing since almost 2 years. He sits next to the ladies’ rest room on my floor and I am not sure if he takes count of the number of times girls pass his aisle! :P Going by his gray strands, I assume he is a fairly senior employee; maybe even a manager. I cannot be wrong cos I see him giving gyan (free advice) to others and often I see e-newspapers open on his monitor. What else do managers have to do?! :P :P I don’t know his name; so let me call him ‘thatha’ (grand-pa).

Thatha: Are you a Malayalam?
Me: Huh?! No…
Thatha: Then, Tamil?
Me: No…
Thatha: Confused.
Me: I am a Malayalee who speaks Malayalam.
Thatha: Isn’t that what I asked?

Me: Nope!  

Thatha: Hahahaa…!!! Burping at my face the daal-chaval what he had for lunch, South Indians are so funny!

Help me guys... What would have been your reply to him?